Big Bad Draco Malfoy
by Dagonett
Summary: AU Post-Hogwarts DG: When Draco’s wife drags him into visiting his in-laws and their two-year-old daughter; he inadvertently plays the role of a speech-teacher, with disastrous consequences. Short little one-shot.


Title: Big Bad Draco Malfoy Summary: (DG) When Draco's wife drags him into visiting his in-laws and their two-year-old daughter; he inadvertently plays the role of a speech- teacher, with disastrous consequences. D/G Rating: PG-13 for language. Disclaimer: I don't own Draco, and I am unfortunately not allowed to make money off of this. Sniff, sniff. In fact, all I do own is Ann and the plot. Maybe I could make money off of THEM? Author's Note: Just a humorous piece that popped into my mind one day of how I think slightly OC Draco would treat his niece. No real in-depth character stuff here, sorry.  
Also: it may or may not be obvious that I am not British. However, I use British expressions in this piece. Don't kill me if I use them incorrectly, please!! I can't help it that I'm grammatically challenged. *fumes*  
  
Big Bad Draco Malfoy  
  
The Weasleys' Burrow had a very large lawn, especially in proportion to its size. It was overgrown with ferns in some places, cut neatly in others. Gnomes could often be seen creeping sneakily over the fence and into the garden, to dirty the birdbath and overturn clumps of grass. However, barring the occasional visit of Fred and George, the Burrow's backyard was normally a very peaceful place.  
  
However, on this particular day, the tension in the air was almost unbearable. No, Fred and George had not transfigured anything into a man- eating fish beast, as they had done on their previous homecoming - Ginny and her husband had dropped by for a visit.  
  
Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley had never grown out of their mutual hatred for one another. Indeed, the only reason Draco had agreed to come visit him and his wife, Hermione, was Ginny's threat of drastic violence should he refuse to meet his two-year-old niece.  
  
Hermione had seen the pair Apparate onto the lawn (Ginny looking excited, Draco, mutinous) and rushed out to greet them, little Ann in her arms. After much chatter between the women and much fuming on Draco's part, Ron Weasley had entered the scene. The two men surveyed each other coolly.  
  
"Weasley," Draco nodded curtly.  
  
"Malfoy," Ron responded, face unreadable. Hermione and Ginny stood off to the side hesitantly. At last, Ginny stepped forward.  
  
"So," she said cheerily, "Anyone for tea?"  
  
Draco was unable to keep the anguished expression off his face. As Ron and Hermione went to the kitchen to find Molly, Ginny leaned in to his ear.  
  
"Bear with me here," she murmured, "I know you hate it, we'll leave right after dinner."  
  
Draco winced at the thought of another five hours. "We'd better."  
  
Ginny grinned at him. "Or, I could go and leave you to fend for yourself."  
  
Draco made a face. "Here? Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?"  
  
Ginny laughed, and followed Ron and Hermione inside, leaving Draco alone with little Ann. He turned his head to gaze at the chubby, brown-haired toddler. She was staring up at him frankly, brown eyes huge on her freckled face.  
  
"Er," said Draco, completely unsure of how to take the situation, "Hello."  
  
Ann continued to stare up at him unblinkingly. Suddenly, she said, "Uncle Drake!"  
  
"Oh, no," said Draco, turned fully around to face, "DraCO. Not 'Drake'. DraCO."  
  
"Drake!"  
  
"DraCO!" Draco knelt onto the ground so that he was almost level with her, "Two syllables. Can you say that, or are you so like your father that your mental capacity can't handle such a complicated word?"  
  
He could have sworn the two-year-old glared at him.  
  
"Draco," she said, a defiant glint in her large, doe-like eyes.  
  
Draco stared at her, open-mouthed. Then, he grinned. "Who knows? Maybe there's hope for you yet."  
  
Ann smiled broadly, revealing two small white teeth, and sat in the grass, patting the ground beside her. It took Draco a few seconds to realize why she was drumming the dirt, and he rather grudgingly took a seat.  
  
Ann sidled closer to him and snuggled against his arm. Alarmed, Draco tugged away.  
  
"Er, let's keep our hands to ourselves, shall we?" he suggested awkwardly, cursing tea and resolving to have a long talk with Ginny about children.  
  
"Hands to 'selves!" Ann repeated, smiling up at him.  
  
"Hands to ourselves," Draco agreed, gently pulling his arm out of her grasp and scooting to the side, "It looks like this."  
  
"Looks like this!" Ann said.  
  
'She's like a bloody parrot,' Draco thought to himself idly. Then, a rather wicked idea occurred to him. He turned to the toddler quizzically.  
  
"Anna," he said, "Can you - "  
  
"Ann!" Ann interrupted, thumping her chest proudly, looking not unlike a gorilla, "I Ann!"  
  
"You Ann," Draco nodded, "Right, anyway. Can you say 'Malfoy'?"  
  
"Malfoy!"  
  
"Good," Draco said approvingly, "Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Drake Malfoy!"  
  
"Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Draco Malfoy!"  
  
"Excellent. Smart little bugger, you are."  
  
"Smart little bugger!"  
  
Draco grinned fiendishly. "Exactly. Repeat after me - "  
  
"Repeat after me!" Ann said, clapping her tiny hands together.  
  
"No, not yet," Draco told her, "I am a smart little bugger."  
  
"I am a smart buggy!"  
  
"No, no - 'I am a smart little bugger'."  
  
"I smart little bugger."  
  
"I am a smart little bugger. Verbs. Assuming they're not an entirely new concept to you."  
  
"I am a smart little bugger!"  
  
Draco smiled broadly. "Wonderful."  
  
Ann giggled and clambered into his lap, sighing contentedly. Draco peered down at her, a grin beginning to tug at the corners of his mouth. Ann gazed up at him and smiled.  
* * * "Draco!"  
  
Ginny Weasley emerged from the back door of the Burrow about twenty minutes after she'd left. She surveyed the yard in search of her husband, and finally found Draco and Ann sitting in front of the gnome garden. Ann was seated directly across from Draco, listening attentively to her uncle, who was speaking to her and making emphatic gestures with his hands.  
  
"Draco, what are you doing?" Ginny said, half to herself. Chuckling, she made her way across the yard.  
  
". As I was saying, Slytherin is and has always been the best house. Hufflepuff's awful, a load of annoying, empty-headed buggers that turn out weird anyway. Ravenclaw's not bad, not as good as Slytherin, but if you can't get into Slytherin, Ravenclaw's OK. But remember, STAY AWAY from Gryffindor. Can you say that? I will stay away from Gryffindor - "  
  
"Draco! What on earth are you doing?"  
  
Draco glanced up, and, seeing his wife, stood immediately.  
  
"Just teaching our young niece the essentials of life," he said loftily, "She's a very fast learner."  
  
"I will stay from Gryff!" Ann shrieked. Draco turned to her.  
  
"I will stay away from Gryffindor," he said, "You can say it, come on - "  
  
"Aunty Gin!" Ann said, grinning. She spread her arms apart and looked at Ginny beseechingly. Ginny laughed and swept her up.  
  
"What has nasty Uncle Draco been teaching you, then?" she said teasingly.  
  
"Mr. Cock-up!" Ann giggled, hugging Ginny tightly.  
  
Ginny's mouth dropped open, and she stared at Draco over Ann's shoulder, horrified.  
  
"Draco!" she snapped, "You did not teach my brother's two-year-old daughter to say 'Mr. Cock-up'!"  
  
"All right, I didn't," Draco said agreeably.  
  
"I am a smart little bugger!" Ann shrieked gleefully, "Draco Malfoy!"  
  
"I am a smart little bugger?" Ginny repeated, looking extremely dangerous, "Draco..."  
  
"Er," said Draco, shifting uncomfortably, "She was only supposed to call her father Mr. Cock-up. And she learned 'I am a smart little bugger' on her own, didn't you, Ann?" He scooped the two-year-old out of Ginny's arms and held her aloft pleadingly.  
  
"I am a smart little bugger!" Ann cackled joyfully, "Mr. Cock-up! Draco Malfoy!"  
  
Draco looked over at a fuming Ginny apologetically. "Look, Gin, I swear I didn't mean to teach her the little bugger thing, she's like a parrot, honestly, she just repeats whatever I say - "  
  
"I a parrot!"  
  
"Exactly," Draco said, "See? A right bird, she is."  
  
"I can't believe you taught her to say 'Mr. Cock-up'," Ginny said, shaking her head, "Ron and Hermione are going to have a fit."  
  
She sat cross-legged in the grass and Draco set Ann down. The toddler waddled over to her Aunt, who placed her in her lap.  
  
"Now," she said, glaring up at her husband, "We are going to try and reverse the damage that has been done. Sit down, Draco."  
  
Looking terrified, Draco sank slowly to the ground. Seeing the expression on his face, Ann grew visibly upset and held her arms out to him.  
  
"Draco Malfoy," she said sadly, "Draco Malfoy."  
  
"Well, at least she says your name right, in any case," Ginny said, disgruntled, "Now. Ann. I will not say Mr. Cock-up in front of my parents."  
  
"Mr. Cock-up!"  
  
"No, Ann," Ginny shook her head, "Mr. Cock-up bad."  
  
"Mr. Cock-up bad," Ann said, frowning.  
  
"You're not going to call your father 'Mr. Cock-up.'"  
  
"Mr. Cock-up bad."  
  
Draco choked back a snort and swallowed a smirk, with the unfortunate result of a sort of duck-like quack. Ann giggled and crawled over to him.  
  
"Uncle Draco," she said, hugging him with all her might.  
  
Ginny hid a smile with her hand. Draco seemed to be trying to look mutinous, but failing miserably.  
  
"Who would have thought," she said, "Big Bad Draco Malfoy, the infamous Minister of Finance, brought to his knees by his two-year-old niece."  
  
"I have NOT been brought to my knees," Draco retorted hotly, "And since when have I been 'Big Bad Draco Malfoy'?"  
  
"Oh, but you are on your knees," said Ginny, grinning devilishly, "Quite literally."  
  
"Ginny!"  
  
Ginny turned to see Hermione and her brother starting towards them, Hermione levitating a tray of cups containing a hot-looking tea. Ann leapt out of Draco's lap and stumbled over to her father. Draco, looking petrified, tried to scamper away, but Ginny grabbed his collar and held him in place, grinning impishly.  
  
"Daddy! Daddy!" Ann was crying, and Ron swung her up. Ann giggled, delighted.  
  
"Mr. Cock-up!" she said gleefully, "Draco Malfoy! I am a smart little bugger!"  
  
There was a very long, very tense silence. Then, Ron said in dangerously soft tones, "Oh, Malfoy..."  
  
* * * Final Author's Note: Well, I hope you enjoyed. I think it's funny, at the very least. Can't you just see Draco accidentally teaching a two-year-old curse words? Imagine what kind of vocabulary his children would have. *grins naughtily* Please, review. I know it's not my usual school-era Draco analysis, but still. 


End file.
